If destiny is what it is, then why am I trying so hard?

First post of the new year. I was waiting until I had somthing exciting or some sort of good news.. somthing that I can re-read in December and be like, "What a great way to start the year", but unfortunately nothing really springs to mind.

I'm happy to be back in school and seeing all my friends again, but I am so stressed out right now. I find myself getting irriatated at the smallest things. I've been getting headaches and back pains because of it, making me all the more irritable. I'm starting to sleep poorly too. I'm used to a shitty sleep pattern, but I hate waking up in the middle of the night, or sleeping funny and being over-tired in the morning. One of the major stressors I can fix, I just need the time to do it. The other major stressor.... well, I really don't know what to do. It's like a giant weight pushing down on me and I'm afraid that if I try and work it out, it will just get worse.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to being a kid. Playing power rangers with my brother and cousin, dressing up my barbies, my biggest concern being how I'm going to avoid eating beets at dinner. I miss being so carefree and not having to actually worry about anything. If somthing bothered me, I could tell my mom and she'd fix it. I had security and stability. I miss all that. I mean, being where I am in my life is fun and all, and good for me, but Sometimes I feel like sitting in a corner and crying my troubles away. If only it were that easy.

And as I lie awake with you,
I wonder if you feel the way I do.

I'm so confused. More so than before. I don't know what to do anymore. I thought I had things figured out somewhat, but now I am at a whole new level of confused. I keep second guessing my choices and wishing I had done things differently... or at all. I just wish I could get a clear sign.. or SOMTHING. Some sort of clarity in a haze of uncertianty. Why does this have to be so difficult?

Can I have the butterflies??

Wow I'm tired. See you on monday.



O, she doth teach the torches to burn bright! It seems she hangs upon the cheek of night. Like a rich jewel in an Ethiope's ear; Beauty too rich for use, for earth too dear! So shows a snowy dove trooping with crows, As yonder lady o'er her fellows shows. The measure done, I'll watch her place of stand, And, touching hers, make blessed my rude hand. Did my heart love till now? forswear it, sight! For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night.