Oddities

Have you ever been freakishly aware of the blood in your body? that's how I feel right now. It's weird.... it's like I can feel it in every vein and artery. I feel tingly. It's very odd.

Lately I haven't been sleeping well. I've been so tired... I haven't really been up to anything. I haven't been to the bar in a while, or seen my friends. On my days off I just spent my time on my laptop or playing video games. And it's so mindless... It's like, I'm so tired that my body is just doing the actions and my mind is shut off. I don't know what's wrong. I just can't get comfortable. I'm so restless and I toss and turn all night. At work today (or yesterday, seeing as it's 1:30) I felt like I was gunna pass out. Luckily I went outside and got some fresh air on my break and felt better, at least better enough to finish my 8 hour shift.

I also think I'm hallucinating. Or I'm just dumb. But I SWEAR I hear things in our attic. It sounds like there are people up there, walking around like its an upper apartment or somthing, which is crazy cuz the attic roof is like, 3 feet high. (And it's not ghosts... if it was I would have known about them ages ago. XP) At first I thought maybe squirrels or somthing had gotten in there, but the footsteps sound to heavy to be a small animal. They sound freakishly human. So I think I'm just hearing things. Plus, I only seem to hear it when I'm alone in the house, and nobody else has mentioned it. It's making me paranoid.

I've also been thinking about death a lot lately, since the accedent. I found out that my friend (the guy who was in the car with his BFF when she died) is in intensive care for emotional trauma... they're afraid to release him cuz he's taking it VERY hard. Which I can imagine. If somthing like that happened to Clinton... well, I wouldn't be very compelled to live either.
Anyway, I'm pretty worried about him.... and it's all got me thinking. What the fuck happens after we die????
Just recently I realized how afraid I was of death. Not so much dieing itself, but what happens after. I beleive that every person has an energy that returns to the Earth after death and is 're-born' into another life force.... so basiclly the past lives thing. So... my energy will move on, create a new being... but what will happen to my mind? My soul??? My memories???? Will they all be lost? Will the essence that is "Kaitlyn" just... dissapear? It can't move on to my next life... if that happened, then we'd all remember all out past lives, and we wouldn't be us... just..... the last "us" in a new body... you know? I dunno. Maybe the bible thumpers aren't too crazy with their idea of "Heaven"... at least they know what happens to their essence. It almost makes me want to go back to Catholisism. But I just CAN'T beleive it.

Anyway. I can't think of anything else to write, so I'm gunna attempt sleep. 'Night all.


If you could step into my head, tell Me would you still know me? If you woke up in my bed, tell me then, would you hold me? Or would you simply let it lie, leaving me to wonder why? I can’t get you out of this head I call mine. And I will say Oh no I can’t let you go, my little girl, because you’re holding up my world, so I need you. Your imitation of my walk, and the perfect way you talk, it’s just a couple of the million things that I love about you... So I need you...