Figured I'd get some things off my chest.

So there has been a LOT of crap going on in my life recently, and since I can count the number of friends who actually give a damn about me on one hand, I figured my blog would be a good place to vent instead of bogging down the few people who still care to know how I am with my baggage. I don't know if anyone will actually care to read this, but I'm gunna vent anyway.

So first of all, I am going crazy in Campbell River. If I'm not working (which is often lately), I'm usually just sitting around the house watching tv or reading. Lately I've taken to lurking ebay and buying things. I've been working a lot on my cosplays, which is a good thing, but I focus on them so much because it's pretty much the only thing that keeps me sane right now. Yeah, I've got a couple people to hang out with. I love hanging out with Mandie, but she's got a baby and a husband and her own life to worry about. I can't expect her to flit around town with me when I'm bored. I can't expect her to just turn off her life because I don't have one anymore. I've been so incredibly lonely and it's been getting worse with each passing month. I really really appreciate the times I get to hang out with Mandie, even if we just sit around and talk.

It wouldn't be nearly as bad if some of my so-called friends actually gave a shit. There are a couple people who only ever talk to me when they have a problem they want to bitch about, and frankly, I don't have the patience to deal with their trivial stuff at the moment. They never bother to ask what's going on in my life, or give ME a shoulder to cry on, so why should I return the favor? But apparently that just gets you shunned, because now they make no effort at all to talk to me. At least this has shown me who my true friends are. It just sucks that I seem to have lost a "best friend" in the process. I guess some people are just so wrapped up in their own self-induced melodramatic lives that they can't stop for two seconds to recognize a friend in need, even when they make it obvious they need a friend.

Then there's the work issue. Yeah, I got a job and it pays well, but since I'm a casual I'm only on call. I had tons of work during my training, but now I'm getting no work at all. I really want to be saving to move to Vancouver, but I can't do that off of my EI payments. My mom says I'm wasting my money every time I buy a wig or something for a cosplay, or every time I make a trip to see one of the friends who do still give a crap about me, but what else am I supposed to do? There is nothing for me here. She doesn't understand that. She doesn't understand that I have totally different interests, most of which can't be fulfilled in this red-neck, closed-minded town. I need to do something to keep me sane.

And if that wasn't enough already, I've been having a lot of issues with my brother. We used to talk all the time and be close, and he'd come to me for advice and let me know when he had good news. But there's been a lot of stuff going on and now it's like I'm a stranger. I don't know what the hell happened, but it really upsets me. He didn't even call me on my birthday until my dad messaged him and reminded him to.

It doesn't help that I tried to hard to be friends with his wife and accept her as my family. I lived with them for a while and I thought it was fine. I had fun hanging out watching movies with her, and staying up late chatting, going to the bar, and all that kind of stuff. I felt like I had made another friend in town, and not only was she a friend, but she was becoming a sister as well. But apparently I was wrong. Apparently my living there was nothing short of a nuisance. And even though I've helped them out with their wedding, looked after their cat, and looked after Austin every time they asked (not that I minded), I've apparently done nothing for them. Obviously I'm just an easy person to blame for a lot of the drama that's been going on with them, and I'm sick of being a scapegoat. I haven't done ANYTHING to deserve the way I've been treated by both of them, and I've been deeply hurt by it. What makes it worse is if I make a big issue out of it, it could hinder the already little time I get to spend with Austin. I love Austin more than anything, and I don't want to risk losing the chance to be in my nephew's life because his parents are still so immature in so many ways. So I'm really stuck. What the hell am I supposed to do?

On top of that, it seems that illness and disease is plaguing my family. My dad found out a few months ago that he has lung cancer, and he went in and got radiation done and everything, and it seemed to be helping, but he's been having some issues lately. He has advancing COPD in addition to the cancer, and it seemed to be getting worse. But I've just found out recently that he's been having more issues and the doctors think it might be more cancer, so now he has to go in for a bone, head, and esophagus scan. It's been hard enough dealing with the lung cancer, but if it's spread who knows what will happen. I am absolutely terrified that something bad might happen, and I feel so guilty because I can't really afford to go visit often. It's even worse because my grandma on my dad's side is sick too. She really hasn't been doing well lately, and apparently the doctors are concerned that she has skin cancer because she has a sore on her face that isn't getting better. I mean, she is getting up there in age, but it still really sucks to hear that she is suffering. And apparently her memory is getting bad too. I really wish I could visit often, but it's just so expensive.

And a couple months ago my grandpa on my mom's side went into the hospital because he was having trouble breathing. It turned out that his lung cavity was filling with fluid, so they had to put a tube in and drain it. After a few weeks of testing, they found out that he has lung cancer too. I mean, both my grandparents are getting up there in age, but it's still really upsetting for me, especially because they have such terrible illnesses. And now I feel like I don't have enough time with either of them.

So yeah. Basically I've been dealing with a lot, and I've been increasingly down. I've actually been thinking about talking to a doctor, because I'm worried that I may be developing real depression. I've been getting these really bad migraines, and I'm always feeling tired because I have so much trouble sleeping at night. I've also been eating less. If my mom didn't make dinner every night, I probably would go days without eating anything but the occasional grilled cheese and some yogurt. I've also been super irritable and get annoyed really easily, and feeling like I'm totally worthless.

I looked up signs of depression online, and all of these things fit. There were other signs that I don't have, but I think even having a few of them is worth looking into. I don't want to develop depression and not get it dealt with until it gets bad. I mean, I don't want to assume anything, but since I've been increasingly sad lately I think it's definitely a possibility. And really, wouldn't that just be the icing on my already super crappy year.